How To Plant A Large Cactus…

…Judy style!

Remember the cactus that I purchased at a tag sale Saturday?  I spent a couple of hours Sunday putting it in the ground.  Given that the potted plant was so heavy I couldn’t lift it, the challenge was great, but one that the stubborn me couldn’t resist doing by myself.

To refresh your memory, here’s a picture of the subject of the planting challenge.  From pot bottom to cactus top was a distance of 41″.

Now, here’s the step-by-step process…

1.  Wear clothing that is disposable if necessary.  After Saturday’s shirt was the recipient of many tiny spikes, I opted to throw it away rather than risk not removing all of said spikes.  Use same approach when dressing for Sunday’s planting challenge.

2.  Measure pot height and top diameter.  Rake bark mulch to sides in an area twice as large as the width of the needed hole.  Spend 45 minutes swinging pickax and shoveling away dirt until hole is wide enough and deep enough for plant.

3.  Before moving cart, notice 2 interesting bugs on cactus – one about 1-1/4″ long and the other about an inch long.  While photographing, wonder if they were always in your yard or if they moved in with the cactus.  Decide it’s not important as they don’t look dangerous.  After photographing, kill bugs just in case.

4.  Push cart as close to hole as possible.  With foot on cart, wiggle pot to cart edge, tilt forward then kick cart out from under pot.

5.  Bending knees deeply, pull pot, rest, pull pot, rest, pull pot, rest until hole is reached (a very long 4 feet).

6.  Take off gloves, remove 2 cactus spikes.  Lift left t-shirt sleeve, remove cactus spikes.

7.  Stare at pot and scratch head; wait for inspiration on how to get plant out of pot and into hole.

8.  Grab camera and take pix of plants added to backyard over the past couple weeks, hopeful their survival and growth will result in an answer to the cactus planting process…

9.  Return to challenge.  With utility knife, cut away 1/2 of pot.  Stand on potted side of cactus, tilt plant forward to slide remaining pot away from cactus.

10.  Swear like a sailor when plant falls over.  Swear louder and more colorfully when plant is still too heavy to lift even though legs and grunting were used as plant uprighting aids.

10.  With gardening hand tool, loosen dirt along edges and bottom of pot-shaped cactus root area to free up roots (and remove dirt weight).  Wiggle cactus into place next to hole.  Place large shovel along far edge of hole, holding in place with left hand.  With right hand grab potted area of cactus and lift/push over edge of hole so it falls against shovel.  Slowly drop plant into place.

11.  Exhale when cactus is upright.  Recommence swearing when it is discovered cactus is backwards.

12.  Using large shovel, hands and total leg strength, slowly spin cactus so it is facing correct direction.  Guzzle water.  Remove gloves and pull out more spikes from arms and hands.

13.  Walk 10 feet away, look at cactus and swear profusely.  Damn plant is crooked.

14.  Adjust cactus position four times until plant is finally straight.  Backfill with a mixture of clay soil removed to create hole and soil amendment.  Add water.

15.  Build a wall around cactus to create a water well, the whole time questioning why.  Cacti don’t like water so why build a wall that will contain water so it goes down through soil to roots?  Stop questioning and just do it so a future blog post does not have to be entitled “I killed the cactus because I didn’t build a water well”.  Besides, lots of dirt still needed to find a home.

16.  Guzzle water.

17.  Return bark mulch to plant area.

18.  Examine plant.  Remove evidence of unexpected plant fall.

19.  Put away tools and throw out cut sections of pot.

20.  Guzzle water.  Do final (hopefully) spike removal.

21.  Call project done.

22.  Take Excedrin for aching back.